I was doing ok, making progress. Then, depression hit hard. Numbing exhaustion alternating with crying jags hard. Just mustering the energy and motivation to write a stupidly short blog post is draining and difficult, and I hate that.
It feels like every time I’m getting a good habit in place (whether it’s exercise, eating healthy, writing, or whatever), depression hits like a concrete block wall that materialized in my path without warning.
Try to bust it down, and it regenerates. Go around it, over it, or under it, and it magically reappears wherever you are.
It makes trying to fix it or avoid it seem pointless. But I know that if I give in to that feeling, more and more of those walls will appear, closing off exits one by one.
And that pointless message? That’s a f#$%ing lie. It’s depression propaganda. Just like all the other lies depression papers my mind with:
- I’m worthless.
- I’m ugly.
- Shut up, stupid.
- Give up. It won’t matter anyway.
And so on.
But even knowing that depression is a liar, it’s insanely hard to ignore it or not believe it. Because it’s part of you.
How do you truly convince yourself that your brain is lying? How do you trust anything else your brain tells you if you do?
I don’t have any answers, so I’m just listening to comfort music and pushing myself to do work anyway. Even if it takes 4 times as long to accomplish anything.
And hoping that walking forward will help push it back.
Savannah Knightly 